Ekaterinichev, an investigator from the CID of Moscow.
Here is a real case from my life again. The word "again" doesn't reflect the situation enough correctly, which is in need in a more precise. I have written "again", because another case, namely the journey to Aslambek-Sheripovo, it was described and published already, but this one, what about the matter is going to concern now, took place in the 1971 year, that is five and a half years sooner, than my journey in the mountains of the republic, which was named that epoch the Chechen-Ingush ASSR. Certainly, there are a lot of the lovers the detective stories among the people who have opened and are reading this page. Is this a detective story or not is - judge for yourself. I can only say this is the real life and the life is such a thing which embraces all the aspects of the being, including the criminal ones. But it all started since events enough distant from detective stories. It all started from my first love and, as it occurs the most often, the love was unrequited, saying clearer, a love which was unrequited afterwards, which had flagged without having time to flower. If this love was unrequited absolutely, hardly it could be named a love, and it would be awarded to attention not more, than a fly had flown by or a dog had barked in the distance, it would be forgotten long ago and would not be awarded to enter into the memoirs in no way.
I'm writing "a history of the first love" only to indicate at first the direction of the source of the events, however the main thing was not a love here, but a mistake, because the love was an imaginary one. It didn't exist. This mistake is quite widespread. A lot of people step on this rakes, so this story is a very instructive one. Years later, when I had realized, in whom I fell in love so much, then there was a strong feeling of relief, as they say: "chip on my shoulder has fallen". And it was very funny and amusing: I took a cheap falsification as a diamond. Think about it: is it bad if a person imagines he has ate the death-cup (a toadstool) and the life is over, but suddenly he is learning that it was only a russule? No, after this the life will seem more beautiful and more saturated and the tragedy will turn into a joke. There is another thing is bad. It is bad if someone believes subjectively (and mistakenly) that the life would be falling to the ground, then he is able to do mischiefs, to be dangerous for himself, become a victim of the deception and in general anything can happen. In an inauspicious social medium as the Soviet Union, for example, (and the modern thing which is named Russia, if it is better, then by a negligible margin) the probability of a big trouble increases sharply for a lost soul.
Her name was (and it exists at present too) a widespread name, Lena. However I'm not going to uncover her family name. That time she was light red-hair, there was a lot of the freckles on her face, she pleased me just such as she was. We lived in the same building in Moscow, in the near Zamoskvorechye. I was on the fifth floor in the room with balcony and her room with balcony was situated one floor higher. It all started in the 1967 year, that is four years sooner, than I had to meet with this ill-fated investigator. It begins at the very tender age when I was 17 and she was 15 years old. Certainly, the sexual instinct made itself felt before too, but I perceived it as something secondary, what doesn't have a big deal. So they look at bright images, which dreamed at night: of course it is interesting, but the daily life is more important and deserves more attention. She was a first girl who had wakened a male inside me, although nevertheless nothing took place between us afterwards. More probably, nothing took place because of my fault. I became confused when one must show activity and to consider this thing as a consequence of the upbringing, it wouldn´t be enough correctly. It was a consequence of a misleading, that is of a deceive. It was impossible to learn the truth about reality. There were the lies and the hypocrisy entirely. Even the closest people told lies, they told lies frequently because of themselves were victims of deceive, also if they pictured the reality exactly, they would have to name things by their names, but the language did not turn to speak such things, and also sometimes it was a deliberate lie with the imaginary "good intentions", to prevent a possible misfortune or even an innocent act but the consequence of which can become a fatal one. The people were made fools after the Stalin's epoch, and they were afraid not only of real dangers but of the dangers which not existed already in the end of the sixties.
It would be enough only to give one example: since the time of the conscious childhood, that is since the end of the fifties, they suggested me that such an action as to kiss a girl is a grave insult to her and if she is not a whore but an honest one, she must in answer to this turn round and give a slap in the face. Also I had to hear an alternative opinion from time to time from the types who told about it, smoking and talking smut in the school toilet, but the similar "teachers of life" lent credence to me even less. Their lies and exaggerations were even more visible. After listening their advice, without know the reality of life, one could be accused of attempt at rape without any guilt and this "sex-instructor" who just is bragging, after this he will mock at these troubles.
From the top of present knowledge of reality, of the present experience of life I can assert being sure, if I acted more boldly and more actively at that time, I would obtain all the things from her, however acting from the same top of the knowledge, I would prefer nothing to obtain from her, but to look for another who would be closer in spirit to me. One of the great verities I succeeded in learning, it is that THE UNREQUITED LOVE DOESN'T EXIST. If you love someone, but he (or she) doesn't answer to you, this signifies that all the merits of this person were invented with your help. And if you succeed in obtaining the intimacy, then you will be disappointed inevitably and you yourself will wish to disperse in different directions. But while the object of your dreams is not accessible, you will dream up, arrogating to him or to her those merits and advantages, which even never stood near-hand with him. If you are indignant at the fact that she pays attention at others, but disregards for you, then from your side there is the vanity and no any love at all. However if you possess a beautiful and romantic nature, but he or she doesn't notice this, then come to your senses: this is an illusion. You are thinking there is a human being, but there is no one. This is a miserable soulless being, as a carrion. Exactly about such people Jesus Christ said: "which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean" (Matthew 23:27). After all a doll can possess by beautiful attractive form, but no soul in it.
Herzen wrote in one of his books: "In thirty years old a man dies and afterwards only his shadow lives". Finally I was turning thirty but I saw no process of dying inside me. At forty years I didn't change too, I was the same one, but yet I became more experienced, more strong in all the meanings. At fifty years I was the same one again! However Herzen didn't lie. Here it lacks a small reservation: this is a man of the society who dies. He dies not when he gets a job and starts to sit out eight hours every day, no matter what office in. He dies when he starts to take seriously all the opinions of the social surroundings, that is all their judgements and comments. After all it is quite possible to appear "normally", to talk "correct" words, but in heart to call things by their names, to consider fools as fools, even it is funny, this simulates an espionage romance a little. Unfortunately a very few are there who are able to find this way out. The most of people if they don't say or don't do something in the presence of the public, they wouldn't say or do the same thing with themselves alone, even in a dense forest. Then the soul begins to die gradually. The external physiologic changes are inevitable too. But such is the physical matter that these changes do not occur at once. A girl still is able to make eyes beautifully, her expression is pert and cheerful, all her features are regular, and if to act in a film, then only in a role of the positive character. But the poisonous seeds could be sown in her soul already. This is in ten or fifteen years later you will see in herself either a stupid woman who is tired from life, or a base intrigante and a gossip at work, or an alcoholic who reeks of last night's liquor. It's not all. It is a long time to list the possible versions. Everyone thinks that it is age which does a man repulsive. No. A man becomes repulsive when he sacrifices, putting on the altar of the society all the wonderful things which were in his soul.
It was the end of March in the 1968 year. It was in a side street not far from the station of underground "Dobryninskaya". I watched her. Just she had parted with a few girls who were her friends. I came up behind and said with the voice of Fantomas:
-Hello, Élène!
-Boria, go away!
-I wrote you in my letter everything. What are you going to say in answer?
-You asked me, yes or no. I'm answering you: no!
-However, in 14 of October everything was otherwise. What has changed?
-Then I was still a little girl.
It means, five months ago she was a little girl! Here are such miracles! Soon I understood and she didn't try to hide who was a source of influence which ruined our love. How then I came to hate her parents! I felt a wish to kill them. This is now I look at everything otherwise. Either her parents or my ones, they are miserable people, figuratively to speak, a socialistic tram passed on their heads. Who are they? A family of the unskilled workers and it is unknown according to which concepts they thought that were higher me one stage. Yes, I am not going to hide it, I behaved eccentrically, I climbed on the roof in the mask of Fantomas, which I made of the bicycle inner tube, and so what? I didn't communicate with the local drunks and kids. I had a few of serious friends from other districts of Moscow, however this fact not attracted but rejected her parents: such a style is not Soviet one to disregard a collective of the block. Certainly, her parents weren't real enemies. They weren't enemies, but the fools who merited of pity and compassion, and about those whom is not a pity to kill, the matter is going to concern below.
Many years later when I understood, because of whom I so felt keenly, I laughed much. But that time my world collapsed. Partly I had found a way out the situation: just I became eighteen years old, I got another job, also a geodesic one, but with long-distance trips to look aside, to change the scenery around, to see the world, but to say more exact, a part of the world within the limits of the USSR, and the main thing to try to understand and learn this deformed, irrational and double-faced Soviet social medium.
If to describe the process of the studying of the ideological science in practice, then it would be a subject of the whole book. A fact what struck the most, this is the idiocy of the people's mass. This was expressed so clearly that it was difficult to believe my eyes. Some doubts arose: "What if I've understood all the facts not in full? What if there is some covert sense in all this?" But willy-nilly I had to come to a conclusion that it was the ordinary idiocy and there wasn't any covert sense. Now, forty years later I can declare the same fact with the only difference that now I speak it without any least shadow of doubt. But at that epoch, trying to indicate to people at the clear non-fitments, which could be understandable even for a fool, at these contradictions in their purpose of life, one might hear arguments of such a kind: "You still are young. You don't know the life" or: "You are a difficult man. What for to discuss with? Tarry the same life as I spent..." And now I feel a wish to see each other again with these debaters and answer: "Here I have spent the same life and no matter that I've won this dispute, this is a trifle. The main thing that I've won this life! I didn't let them make with me what they have made with you. But begin to think using your own head just now. And don't say anymore: "I'm a collective farm worker and it is no use loading me with your philosophy". It is not a philosophical labyrinths I'm opening in front of you. Just try to understand elementary things..."
But there is not anyone who would answer me; hardly anyone of the disputing opponents would live up to ninety or one hundred years old. The fact that these people were defective and underdeveloped, it was seen clearly and I had to admit this fact in spite of all the doubts, it was impossible to deny the fact. But there a question more difficult appeared: "Why are they so? Why want they to be so? What a trick is made with them?"
Of course, I heard about the Stalin's repressions but I conceived of them otherwise at all unlike they were in fact. In the Khrushchev's epoch still it might be written in newspapers about the scale of them, but in the age of 13-14 years it didn't occur me that I could find something interesting me in the long Khrushchev's release of the speech and since the Brezhnev's advent neither Khrushchev, nor repressions, nor Stalin wasn't mentioned in the newspapers anymore, excepting rare cases. I supposed, there was a struggle for power, political opponents squabbled, destroying each other, maybe a few of people were jailed, for saying too much, but if I heard from a private person that it was an enormous genocide and the number of victims outnumbered the number of victims because of the Hitler's invaders, then hardly I would believe. But there wasn't anyone I could hear this from. The people continued to lie, to keep silent, to keep back, although Stalin didn't exist long ago already. The people who were gotten to the totalitarian yoke of the Soviet power, they ceased to be human beings.
At that time, at the working trips, first in the Chechen-Ingush ASSR, next in the villages and the steppes of the Stavropol Territory, in the peat bogs of the Tver and Smolensk regions evenings I had enough of time for reflection. Sometimes the fellow-employees succeeded in drinking me drunk, however, as a rule, without continue, and if the brigade went to booze, but getting drunk one time, after this I found a more interesting way of spending time. In the main, it was a reading of all what could interest me and in so far as very many things interested me, quite various aspects of the science or of the life, so I found something interesting always. Now I could see the Moscow events concerning my unshared love as from a side, herein to consider them better, to do a reappraisal, all the more so anyone didn't disturb and didn't divert.
Enough quickly I came to conclusion that I mustn't put up with this and let go this. Certainly, it is impossible to be lovable by force, however it was a period when I was lovable not by force. The nonsense what she said, as five months ago she was a little girl, but now became adult and grew wiser, this nonsense had revealed what occurred in fact. I knew well, just her mother has a decisive voice in their family. At that time relatively often an old Soviet film "Women" was shown. This film reflects well, till what a marasmus the people were driven in the Soviet Union. The KGB wasn't going at all to forbid this film. In the West it was known already about the underdevelopment and the narrow-mindedness of the Soviet people and themselves underdeveloped and narrow-minded people weren't capable to see in this film more, than the customary everyday tittle-tattles, which they listened and saw all the way, if only to kill the time. If there was someone clever and experienced one, he would keep silent not only because of the fear of repressions, but because of the grasp that it is useless to explain something to these people, it would be the same thing as to teach a dog the higher mathematics, and as for the clever ones, but not experienced, who was the hot-tempered and incautious, there was a repressive machinery and it was developed well.
There is a fragment in this film: a mother is running quickly through the field, she is panting because of the running, but continues to run with the purpose, as she thinks, to ameliorate, but in fact to spoil the life of her daughter, to separate her from a man who hasn't been for her taste, according something her apelike thoughts. She arrives in time, the young men still haven't left the landing by river steamer. The daughter takes mother's side. The guy is seeing, it is a family of fools and breaks with the daughter. Just in the same manner I should treat with her.
But it was not there. "I'll save her! I'll save our love. I'll pull out her from this bog! I'll open her eyes and she will follow me and she will turn away forever from their tiresome and stupid world! Scoundrels! Dirty persons of narrow interests! They want to spoil their daughter's life! According their advice she will marry with someone who is unloved, but respected in this rotten society, and she will suffer all the life or will stay alone". In fact, there were enough examples of the unfortunate marriages around, and one of my forecasts came true: she stayed alone really. When I came fifty years old, I made inquiries. During all her life she gave birth to the only daughter who was sixteen at that moment, but she herself still didn't marry.
So it turned that we both had changed the living place, however I had learnt her address shortly after. I started to write letters to her parents. The first letter was written, using the amicable tone, for the clean conscience. It was registered letter, a record long one, twenty-odd pages, it was addressed to her mother, where I expressed my consideration on the merits clearly and step by step. Of course, no reaction in answer. Then I started to write to the both parents all things that I thought about them and to phone them, returning from the mission trips. Her mother hung up and her father, answering my first telephone calls, he portrayed how will beat me together with the neighbours and, answering next my calls, he began his speech with the words: "Yid's mug!" I explained to the fool that firstly I'm not a Jew, secondly also I'm not an anti-Semite, so all his foolish statements miss the mark and this cannot be an insult to me. But he kept hard his assertion as if I would belong to the people of the Israel. Here I'm retelling one of his "pearls" word for word: "There is some Arabic-Jewish-Semitic tinge inside yourself".
It is generally known that the chauvinists use the word "Yid" when they intend to insult a person of Jewish origin, but the last decades this word begins to take a slightly different shade of meaning. They may call you "Yid" independently of your ethnic origin, for example, if your intellectual level and your erudition, at least if it is a little above the crowd. To be clever in Russia is "zapadló", that is a blamable thing. It is the only country where you may be named "intellectual" with an evil and abusive inflection. There is else a reason that you may be named "Yid" independently of your ethnic origin too. It may take place if you take the side of the liberty, the democracy and the European values.
There was a scandalous case when I was named "Yid" and I am not to pass over in silence, all the more it concerns the subject. In September 2001 I went by bus in a town in the region of Moscow. There was a man with a woman in the same bus, both were a little more, than forty years old. They were very happy because of the downfall of the Trade Center in New York City, what had taken place recently. When I said them only: "Aren't you ashamed to say so?!" and in answer I heard: "Yid! Jew!" If this was a truth, it would be very good, because I would be in Israel already with very high probability. According to my observation, about 10% of the population in Russia were happy because of this monstrous terrorist attack. So I have more reason to suspect Russia of a direct or indirect complicity in this, than the investigator Ecaterinichev who said that he suspected me, what devil knows in. This is only my personal suspicion which I'm sharing with readers frankly. Here I'm such as I'm, that is suspecting. At least, exactly the Soviet Union caused the instability in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq. One country tried unsuccessfully to take the side of the communists, the two others took the side of the religious obscurantism, using one of the right faith as a screen. Well, as the Frenchmen say, "Revenons à nos moutons" what signifies word for word "Let us return to our sheep".
I was on the watch for Lena several times early in the morning, when she went to work. Her attitude was an ambivalent towards my tricks. She talked how she terrible was tired of me, but it was impossible not to see, no matter how she treats me, however such a great attention pleased evidently to her self-esteem. The main aim was to invite her to my home. By that time I wouldn't become confused already and certainly I could obtain her without breaking the Criminal Code, acting actively, being sure, but keeping myself within the limits of the law. I had an enough serious intentions. I wanted to create a large united family with a lot of children. I saw how the people live in the Caucasus. But here were the divorces, the alcoholism, the deserted children and especially a fact enraged me, it was the reciprocal hating and the conflicts without any reason. Here are my own words, I wrote them in one of the letters to her parents: "the society where you compete with each other as insatiable insects, who whom will sting more painfully"
You would wonder if you learn that I still wasn't an anti-Soviet man in that epoch. Perhaps, it was a time interval of the most loyalty in my life. As already you know, I had no idea about the scale of the Stalin's repressions and also I was sure mistakenly that the same jumble as in the Soviet Union, it takes place in all the world and how a Russian proverb says: "Every woodcock praises his bog".
The letters from the business trips to her parents were written in a harsh tone, however I didn't break the Criminal Code in them. There were no direct threats and no obscene insults. I emphasized my possession of information, for example, about the details of their family life, about the planning of their flat. Also I demonstrated my capability in the outdoor surveillance and in the finding out of addresses. Probably, it is the hunting instinct. Let it would exist a time machine, let I would come to me when I was twenty years old and say: "Leave her alone. She is not absolutely what you think. You will succeed to reform her never. Look for another who would possess really these perfections what you arrogate to her. At best you spend the time and the forces in vain. Even if you become intimate with her, you yourself will be disappointed in her".
I spent on the missions, that is at the business trips all the winter since 1970 till 1971 and in the spring, putting by not a great sum, I left the service. And here finally in the morning, in the 28 of April I had appeared near her home in a 9 storey building in the district Kuntsevo and I even didn't conceal myself, but in fact I had to do it. I had two little containers of film full of the black pepper, just in case to throw in the eyes and run away and I had a knife "little fish" in my pocket. There was such a knife in the Soviet epoch with a blue plastic haft. This "fish" could be separated into two parts, at that on the one hand appeared a knife from the tail part and on the other hand a fork from the fore part. However the edge was small and it was made of an alloy of the low-quality and if to use such a "weapon", one could only enrage an enemy, but certainly not disable. Now, I know that an usual ballpoint pen can do a seriously hurt than this "knife", but at that time I thought mistakenly this "knife" would help me appreciable in a case of attack on me, so, thank God, that I had to use it never.
Here is a real case from my life again. The word "again" doesn't reflect the situation enough correctly, which is in need in a more precise. I have written "again", because another case, namely the journey to Aslambek-Sheripovo, it was described and published already, but this one, what about the matter is going to concern now, took place in the 1971 year, that is five and a half years sooner, than my journey in the mountains of the republic, which was named that epoch the Chechen-Ingush ASSR. Certainly, there are a lot of the lovers the detective stories among the people who have opened and are reading this page. Is this a detective story or not is - judge for yourself. I can only say this is the real life and the life is such a thing which embraces all the aspects of the being, including the criminal ones. But it all started since events enough distant from detective stories. It all started from my first love and, as it occurs the most often, the love was unrequited, saying clearer, a love which was unrequited afterwards, which had flagged without having time to flower. If this love was unrequited absolutely, hardly it could be named a love, and it would be awarded to attention not more, than a fly had flown by or a dog had barked in the distance, it would be forgotten long ago and would not be awarded to enter into the memoirs in no way.
I'm writing "a history of the first love" only to indicate at first the direction of the source of the events, however the main thing was not a love here, but a mistake, because the love was an imaginary one. It didn't exist. This mistake is quite widespread. A lot of people step on this rakes, so this story is a very instructive one. Years later, when I had realized, in whom I fell in love so much, then there was a strong feeling of relief, as they say: "chip on my shoulder has fallen". And it was very funny and amusing: I took a cheap falsification as a diamond. Think about it: is it bad if a person imagines he has ate the death-cup (a toadstool) and the life is over, but suddenly he is learning that it was only a russule? No, after this the life will seem more beautiful and more saturated and the tragedy will turn into a joke. There is another thing is bad. It is bad if someone believes subjectively (and mistakenly) that the life would be falling to the ground, then he is able to do mischiefs, to be dangerous for himself, become a victim of the deception and in general anything can happen. In an inauspicious social medium as the Soviet Union, for example, (and the modern thing which is named Russia, if it is better, then by a negligible margin) the probability of a big trouble increases sharply for a lost soul.
Her name was (and it exists at present too) a widespread name, Lena. However I'm not going to uncover her family name. That time she was light red-hair, there was a lot of the freckles on her face, she pleased me just such as she was. We lived in the same building in Moscow, in the near Zamoskvorechye. I was on the fifth floor in the room with balcony and her room with balcony was situated one floor higher. It all started in the 1967 year, that is four years sooner, than I had to meet with this ill-fated investigator. It begins at the very tender age when I was 17 and she was 15 years old. Certainly, the sexual instinct made itself felt before too, but I perceived it as something secondary, what doesn't have a big deal. So they look at bright images, which dreamed at night: of course it is interesting, but the daily life is more important and deserves more attention. She was a first girl who had wakened a male inside me, although nevertheless nothing took place between us afterwards. More probably, nothing took place because of my fault. I became confused when one must show activity and to consider this thing as a consequence of the upbringing, it wouldn´t be enough correctly. It was a consequence of a misleading, that is of a deceive. It was impossible to learn the truth about reality. There were the lies and the hypocrisy entirely. Even the closest people told lies, they told lies frequently because of themselves were victims of deceive, also if they pictured the reality exactly, they would have to name things by their names, but the language did not turn to speak such things, and also sometimes it was a deliberate lie with the imaginary "good intentions", to prevent a possible misfortune or even an innocent act but the consequence of which can become a fatal one. The people were made fools after the Stalin's epoch, and they were afraid not only of real dangers but of the dangers which not existed already in the end of the sixties.
It would be enough only to give one example: since the time of the conscious childhood, that is since the end of the fifties, they suggested me that such an action as to kiss a girl is a grave insult to her and if she is not a whore but an honest one, she must in answer to this turn round and give a slap in the face. Also I had to hear an alternative opinion from time to time from the types who told about it, smoking and talking smut in the school toilet, but the similar "teachers of life" lent credence to me even less. Their lies and exaggerations were even more visible. After listening their advice, without know the reality of life, one could be accused of attempt at rape without any guilt and this "sex-instructor" who just is bragging, after this he will mock at these troubles.
From the top of present knowledge of reality, of the present experience of life I can assert being sure, if I acted more boldly and more actively at that time, I would obtain all the things from her, however acting from the same top of the knowledge, I would prefer nothing to obtain from her, but to look for another who would be closer in spirit to me. One of the great verities I succeeded in learning, it is that THE UNREQUITED LOVE DOESN'T EXIST. If you love someone, but he (or she) doesn't answer to you, this signifies that all the merits of this person were invented with your help. And if you succeed in obtaining the intimacy, then you will be disappointed inevitably and you yourself will wish to disperse in different directions. But while the object of your dreams is not accessible, you will dream up, arrogating to him or to her those merits and advantages, which even never stood near-hand with him. If you are indignant at the fact that she pays attention at others, but disregards for you, then from your side there is the vanity and no any love at all. However if you possess a beautiful and romantic nature, but he or she doesn't notice this, then come to your senses: this is an illusion. You are thinking there is a human being, but there is no one. This is a miserable soulless being, as a carrion. Exactly about such people Jesus Christ said: "which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean" (Matthew 23:27). After all a doll can possess by beautiful attractive form, but no soul in it.
Herzen wrote in one of his books: "In thirty years old a man dies and afterwards only his shadow lives". Finally I was turning thirty but I saw no process of dying inside me. At forty years I didn't change too, I was the same one, but yet I became more experienced, more strong in all the meanings. At fifty years I was the same one again! However Herzen didn't lie. Here it lacks a small reservation: this is a man of the society who dies. He dies not when he gets a job and starts to sit out eight hours every day, no matter what office in. He dies when he starts to take seriously all the opinions of the social surroundings, that is all their judgements and comments. After all it is quite possible to appear "normally", to talk "correct" words, but in heart to call things by their names, to consider fools as fools, even it is funny, this simulates an espionage romance a little. Unfortunately a very few are there who are able to find this way out. The most of people if they don't say or don't do something in the presence of the public, they wouldn't say or do the same thing with themselves alone, even in a dense forest. Then the soul begins to die gradually. The external physiologic changes are inevitable too. But such is the physical matter that these changes do not occur at once. A girl still is able to make eyes beautifully, her expression is pert and cheerful, all her features are regular, and if to act in a film, then only in a role of the positive character. But the poisonous seeds could be sown in her soul already. This is in ten or fifteen years later you will see in herself either a stupid woman who is tired from life, or a base intrigante and a gossip at work, or an alcoholic who reeks of last night's liquor. It's not all. It is a long time to list the possible versions. Everyone thinks that it is age which does a man repulsive. No. A man becomes repulsive when he sacrifices, putting on the altar of the society all the wonderful things which were in his soul.
It was the end of March in the 1968 year. It was in a side street not far from the station of underground "Dobryninskaya". I watched her. Just she had parted with a few girls who were her friends. I came up behind and said with the voice of Fantomas:
-Hello, Élène!
-Boria, go away!
-I wrote you in my letter everything. What are you going to say in answer?
-You asked me, yes or no. I'm answering you: no!
-However, in 14 of October everything was otherwise. What has changed?
-Then I was still a little girl.
It means, five months ago she was a little girl! Here are such miracles! Soon I understood and she didn't try to hide who was a source of influence which ruined our love. How then I came to hate her parents! I felt a wish to kill them. This is now I look at everything otherwise. Either her parents or my ones, they are miserable people, figuratively to speak, a socialistic tram passed on their heads. Who are they? A family of the unskilled workers and it is unknown according to which concepts they thought that were higher me one stage. Yes, I am not going to hide it, I behaved eccentrically, I climbed on the roof in the mask of Fantomas, which I made of the bicycle inner tube, and so what? I didn't communicate with the local drunks and kids. I had a few of serious friends from other districts of Moscow, however this fact not attracted but rejected her parents: such a style is not Soviet one to disregard a collective of the block. Certainly, her parents weren't real enemies. They weren't enemies, but the fools who merited of pity and compassion, and about those whom is not a pity to kill, the matter is going to concern below.
Many years later when I understood, because of whom I so felt keenly, I laughed much. But that time my world collapsed. Partly I had found a way out the situation: just I became eighteen years old, I got another job, also a geodesic one, but with long-distance trips to look aside, to change the scenery around, to see the world, but to say more exact, a part of the world within the limits of the USSR, and the main thing to try to understand and learn this deformed, irrational and double-faced Soviet social medium.
If to describe the process of the studying of the ideological science in practice, then it would be a subject of the whole book. A fact what struck the most, this is the idiocy of the people's mass. This was expressed so clearly that it was difficult to believe my eyes. Some doubts arose: "What if I've understood all the facts not in full? What if there is some covert sense in all this?" But willy-nilly I had to come to a conclusion that it was the ordinary idiocy and there wasn't any covert sense. Now, forty years later I can declare the same fact with the only difference that now I speak it without any least shadow of doubt. But at that epoch, trying to indicate to people at the clear non-fitments, which could be understandable even for a fool, at these contradictions in their purpose of life, one might hear arguments of such a kind: "You still are young. You don't know the life" or: "You are a difficult man. What for to discuss with? Tarry the same life as I spent..." And now I feel a wish to see each other again with these debaters and answer: "Here I have spent the same life and no matter that I've won this dispute, this is a trifle. The main thing that I've won this life! I didn't let them make with me what they have made with you. But begin to think using your own head just now. And don't say anymore: "I'm a collective farm worker and it is no use loading me with your philosophy". It is not a philosophical labyrinths I'm opening in front of you. Just try to understand elementary things..."
But there is not anyone who would answer me; hardly anyone of the disputing opponents would live up to ninety or one hundred years old. The fact that these people were defective and underdeveloped, it was seen clearly and I had to admit this fact in spite of all the doubts, it was impossible to deny the fact. But there a question more difficult appeared: "Why are they so? Why want they to be so? What a trick is made with them?"
Of course, I heard about the Stalin's repressions but I conceived of them otherwise at all unlike they were in fact. In the Khrushchev's epoch still it might be written in newspapers about the scale of them, but in the age of 13-14 years it didn't occur me that I could find something interesting me in the long Khrushchev's release of the speech and since the Brezhnev's advent neither Khrushchev, nor repressions, nor Stalin wasn't mentioned in the newspapers anymore, excepting rare cases. I supposed, there was a struggle for power, political opponents squabbled, destroying each other, maybe a few of people were jailed, for saying too much, but if I heard from a private person that it was an enormous genocide and the number of victims outnumbered the number of victims because of the Hitler's invaders, then hardly I would believe. But there wasn't anyone I could hear this from. The people continued to lie, to keep silent, to keep back, although Stalin didn't exist long ago already. The people who were gotten to the totalitarian yoke of the Soviet power, they ceased to be human beings.
At that time, at the working trips, first in the Chechen-Ingush ASSR, next in the villages and the steppes of the Stavropol Territory, in the peat bogs of the Tver and Smolensk regions evenings I had enough of time for reflection. Sometimes the fellow-employees succeeded in drinking me drunk, however, as a rule, without continue, and if the brigade went to booze, but getting drunk one time, after this I found a more interesting way of spending time. In the main, it was a reading of all what could interest me and in so far as very many things interested me, quite various aspects of the science or of the life, so I found something interesting always. Now I could see the Moscow events concerning my unshared love as from a side, herein to consider them better, to do a reappraisal, all the more so anyone didn't disturb and didn't divert.
Enough quickly I came to conclusion that I mustn't put up with this and let go this. Certainly, it is impossible to be lovable by force, however it was a period when I was lovable not by force. The nonsense what she said, as five months ago she was a little girl, but now became adult and grew wiser, this nonsense had revealed what occurred in fact. I knew well, just her mother has a decisive voice in their family. At that time relatively often an old Soviet film "Women" was shown. This film reflects well, till what a marasmus the people were driven in the Soviet Union. The KGB wasn't going at all to forbid this film. In the West it was known already about the underdevelopment and the narrow-mindedness of the Soviet people and themselves underdeveloped and narrow-minded people weren't capable to see in this film more, than the customary everyday tittle-tattles, which they listened and saw all the way, if only to kill the time. If there was someone clever and experienced one, he would keep silent not only because of the fear of repressions, but because of the grasp that it is useless to explain something to these people, it would be the same thing as to teach a dog the higher mathematics, and as for the clever ones, but not experienced, who was the hot-tempered and incautious, there was a repressive machinery and it was developed well.
There is a fragment in this film: a mother is running quickly through the field, she is panting because of the running, but continues to run with the purpose, as she thinks, to ameliorate, but in fact to spoil the life of her daughter, to separate her from a man who hasn't been for her taste, according something her apelike thoughts. She arrives in time, the young men still haven't left the landing by river steamer. The daughter takes mother's side. The guy is seeing, it is a family of fools and breaks with the daughter. Just in the same manner I should treat with her.
But it was not there. "I'll save her! I'll save our love. I'll pull out her from this bog! I'll open her eyes and she will follow me and she will turn away forever from their tiresome and stupid world! Scoundrels! Dirty persons of narrow interests! They want to spoil their daughter's life! According their advice she will marry with someone who is unloved, but respected in this rotten society, and she will suffer all the life or will stay alone". In fact, there were enough examples of the unfortunate marriages around, and one of my forecasts came true: she stayed alone really. When I came fifty years old, I made inquiries. During all her life she gave birth to the only daughter who was sixteen at that moment, but she herself still didn't marry.
So it turned that we both had changed the living place, however I had learnt her address shortly after. I started to write letters to her parents. The first letter was written, using the amicable tone, for the clean conscience. It was registered letter, a record long one, twenty-odd pages, it was addressed to her mother, where I expressed my consideration on the merits clearly and step by step. Of course, no reaction in answer. Then I started to write to the both parents all things that I thought about them and to phone them, returning from the mission trips. Her mother hung up and her father, answering my first telephone calls, he portrayed how will beat me together with the neighbours and, answering next my calls, he began his speech with the words: "Yid's mug!" I explained to the fool that firstly I'm not a Jew, secondly also I'm not an anti-Semite, so all his foolish statements miss the mark and this cannot be an insult to me. But he kept hard his assertion as if I would belong to the people of the Israel. Here I'm retelling one of his "pearls" word for word: "There is some Arabic-Jewish-Semitic tinge inside yourself".
It is generally known that the chauvinists use the word "Yid" when they intend to insult a person of Jewish origin, but the last decades this word begins to take a slightly different shade of meaning. They may call you "Yid" independently of your ethnic origin, for example, if your intellectual level and your erudition, at least if it is a little above the crowd. To be clever in Russia is "zapadló", that is a blamable thing. It is the only country where you may be named "intellectual" with an evil and abusive inflection. There is else a reason that you may be named "Yid" independently of your ethnic origin too. It may take place if you take the side of the liberty, the democracy and the European values.
There was a scandalous case when I was named "Yid" and I am not to pass over in silence, all the more it concerns the subject. In September 2001 I went by bus in a town in the region of Moscow. There was a man with a woman in the same bus, both were a little more, than forty years old. They were very happy because of the downfall of the Trade Center in New York City, what had taken place recently. When I said them only: "Aren't you ashamed to say so?!" and in answer I heard: "Yid! Jew!" If this was a truth, it would be very good, because I would be in Israel already with very high probability. According to my observation, about 10% of the population in Russia were happy because of this monstrous terrorist attack. So I have more reason to suspect Russia of a direct or indirect complicity in this, than the investigator Ecaterinichev who said that he suspected me, what devil knows in. This is only my personal suspicion which I'm sharing with readers frankly. Here I'm such as I'm, that is suspecting. At least, exactly the Soviet Union caused the instability in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq. One country tried unsuccessfully to take the side of the communists, the two others took the side of the religious obscurantism, using one of the right faith as a screen. Well, as the Frenchmen say, "Revenons à nos moutons" what signifies word for word "Let us return to our sheep".
I was on the watch for Lena several times early in the morning, when she went to work. Her attitude was an ambivalent towards my tricks. She talked how she terrible was tired of me, but it was impossible not to see, no matter how she treats me, however such a great attention pleased evidently to her self-esteem. The main aim was to invite her to my home. By that time I wouldn't become confused already and certainly I could obtain her without breaking the Criminal Code, acting actively, being sure, but keeping myself within the limits of the law. I had an enough serious intentions. I wanted to create a large united family with a lot of children. I saw how the people live in the Caucasus. But here were the divorces, the alcoholism, the deserted children and especially a fact enraged me, it was the reciprocal hating and the conflicts without any reason. Here are my own words, I wrote them in one of the letters to her parents: "the society where you compete with each other as insatiable insects, who whom will sting more painfully"
You would wonder if you learn that I still wasn't an anti-Soviet man in that epoch. Perhaps, it was a time interval of the most loyalty in my life. As already you know, I had no idea about the scale of the Stalin's repressions and also I was sure mistakenly that the same jumble as in the Soviet Union, it takes place in all the world and how a Russian proverb says: "Every woodcock praises his bog".
The letters from the business trips to her parents were written in a harsh tone, however I didn't break the Criminal Code in them. There were no direct threats and no obscene insults. I emphasized my possession of information, for example, about the details of their family life, about the planning of their flat. Also I demonstrated my capability in the outdoor surveillance and in the finding out of addresses. Probably, it is the hunting instinct. Let it would exist a time machine, let I would come to me when I was twenty years old and say: "Leave her alone. She is not absolutely what you think. You will succeed to reform her never. Look for another who would possess really these perfections what you arrogate to her. At best you spend the time and the forces in vain. Even if you become intimate with her, you yourself will be disappointed in her".
I spent on the missions, that is at the business trips all the winter since 1970 till 1971 and in the spring, putting by not a great sum, I left the service. And here finally in the morning, in the 28 of April I had appeared near her home in a 9 storey building in the district Kuntsevo and I even didn't conceal myself, but in fact I had to do it. I had two little containers of film full of the black pepper, just in case to throw in the eyes and run away and I had a knife "little fish" in my pocket. There was such a knife in the Soviet epoch with a blue plastic haft. This "fish" could be separated into two parts, at that on the one hand appeared a knife from the tail part and on the other hand a fork from the fore part. However the edge was small and it was made of an alloy of the low-quality and if to use such a "weapon", one could only enrage an enemy, but certainly not disable. Now, I know that an usual ballpoint pen can do a seriously hurt than this "knife", but at that time I thought mistakenly this "knife" would help me appreciable in a case of attack on me, so, thank God, that I had to use it never.
"What can they do to me? - I reasoned. - I'm behaving neither as a hooligan, nor as a thief. Of course they may beat up me or slander me, but at this moment it is a problem to gather a band of the neighbours: it is a morning of the weekday and all the people are in a hurry to work. If I'm detained in the police, they will have to let me go; there is nothing criminal thing if I go to see a girl, but her parents are against this - this is a customary life's story. If they scuffle with me, I'll throw the pepper in the eyes and run away". From Lena herself I didn't expect any provocation of a brawl in the street and it's probably I didn't be mistaken in this. Though while the past such visits she didn't show happiness because of this, but neither angry protest, nor any provocative appeal to the people in the street or to the police didn't take place from her side. At that time I decided to act gradually, as the water wears away a stone, let the years will be spent for this, but to achieve the purpose.
On that day I hadn't luck evidently. Firstly a lifter woman in an imperious tone demanded in order to I show my papers. I restrained the right indignation and had shown my passport, asking her a question:
"What do you consider, if I'm going to see each other with a girl, to talk with her amicable, but her parents are against such a meeting, is this a crime?"
She nodded assent, imitating a comprehension and returned the passport.
Half an hour later her father came out of the entrance, during a few second he stood and looked at me maliciously, but didn't come to my place. I decided to wait for her yet an hour and if during this time she doesn't come out, then she is either on sick leave, or doesn't work, sitting at home. Twenty minutes later I had seen two policemen who stole up to the place where Lena's father saw me, but I changed the disposition already and, seeing them, instinctively I had entered into an entrance. However soon I thought that all the same the day is going to pass in vain apparently, let they detain me, but they have nothing to accuse me of, but I'll know what may be there a complaint from Lena's parents against me. I hoped, I'll not be jailed for the imagined "Arabic-Jewish-Semitic tinge". I came out of the entrance and the guards of the order proposed me to ride by motorcycle with them together, I accepted the proposition willingly, sitting down with a smile on their tricycle.
An hour and a half after the detaining I was called to "play the piano", that is to take my fingerprints, they gave reasons for this as if they have to check up something. Soon the chief of the police station, which was situated in the street Molodogvardeyskaya in Moscow, he called me into his room and started to ask me directly about my intimate relations in the life. I remember, I answered, laughing:
-However you have some morbid interest in my intimate life. Do you have photos which could compromise me? I would like to see them.
In answer he smiled and looked at me maliciously... A proverb says rightly that so a ram looks at the new gate.
Soon I was called again, this time into one of the investigative rooms. There was a man who sat on a separate chair, it's difficult to say what he was distinguished by, probably by his not malicious look but by a piercing one, he was about thirty five years old, and if I'm not erring now (just forty years have passed since that moment), he was dressed in a black suit. And I don't know why, however I felt that he is not from this police station. The others, there were two or three of them, they were in the civilian clothes too, either in some light-grey clothes, or in blue one. Their look wasn't piercing but a scornful and a disdainful. I felt that they have read the letters which I sent to Lena's parents, they were well aware about my views and about the position what I have chosen in the life.
-It is bad that you have the knife. After all, you were going to kill this girl. Isn't so?
-This is you who have to prove your fantasy, not me. You have read my letters. Do you hate me for my views? Is it you are going to hang accusations on me? However you will not succeed. Now the epoch is not the same.
-Who does need to hate you? You aren't a rope and the crimes aren't a washing to hang them. Have you understood?
-In such a case, what am I doing here a long time? These three hours have passed already.
-We have to drive you somewhere. To do an X-ray. To check up.
-I'm interested, - eventually the same man said who was sitting on the chair in front of me, - when were you last time in the area of the Varshavsky highway, beyond the fork?
-In the area of the Varshavsky highway I have neither friends, nor familiars, nor interesting things. But here into the Kuntsevo I have arrived now and I will ride here later on. This is a personal life. Is this a crime to your mind?
-You disturb the people. You write bad letters.
-Then according what an article of the Criminal Code do you see a crime here? Smiling archly, they said me to come out into the corridor, to wait for a while. I felt an evil issued from these people, but not a rude one, shaking his fist, but as if it's dressed in the white gloves. Very soon they called me to come into the room again.
-Here is a complaint of the lifter woman, you insulted her with unquotable words - this is small hooliganism. Now we go to the judge. One should since ten till fifteen days for this.
Of course, I refrained from such a foolishness as to shout, to curse, to stamp my feet or to raise my fist. But an explosion of the indignation was marked on my face. They were standing, smiling maliciously and being contented. Now, spending sixty years exactly, hardly I would be astonished in the same situation, because I'm aware that one may expect anything from the enemy invaders, that is from the communist scoundrels. In substance this dirty trick was a small one. All the same it was annoying me, it is an injustice to be jailed even for a few of days, all the more I wasn't at home a few months already, all the time in the work trips.
I went till the judge, it's natural, being escorted by these types. One of them, as I recognized after, is an investigator of the local police station Bukhvalov. The family names are real ones, without change. Why on earth would I do a fine gesture and cover up them? I'm writing all as this occurred.
The judge was in another building, not far, about five minutes to walk. Sometimes our intuition can tell us about many things. This was a woman middle-aged, it seemed, she was worn out because of the Soviet mode of life, not at all look like a Soviet bureaucrat and scoundrel, even maybe she was a conscientious one. There is such a category of the dependent people who don't want but they have to do dirty tricks for a penny in salary to feed her family, and they are afraid to look for another job. Even I felt sorry for her. Briefly I told how was the case, added that I'm a sober man and not enough fool to respond to the provocation and to swear with the unprintable words there, where, it's probable, I'm expected already by the parents of the girl, what I've arrived for, and these parents are disposed against me very much. The judge listened me, meditating on something and casting down her eyes, then she pronounced hardly: "Ten days of arrest".
She had understood that I'm not guilty, but what could she do? If she declared that not guilty, she would be regarded as a crazy and maybe not in the same day, but sooner or later she would be driven out of this job. She had done all she could: though condemned to arrest but during the shortest possible time.
After this I didn't stay too long in the local police. A half of an hour later I rode already on the back seat of the "Volga" between two policemen and the investigator Ekaterinichev sat with the driver in front. The car turned round in the direction to the center of Moscow. We rode for a long time. Already the evening "rush hour" began.
The investigator didn't keep silence in the car. From his talking I understood somewhere in the south part of Moscow in winter a girl about thirteen was raped and killed with a knife. Ekaterinichev no way could catch the criminal and now he looks for someone to pin accusation. Even a little feeling of apprehension didn't appear not only because I didn't this, but also because during all the winter I wasn't in Moscow, arriving only at the holidays. To do a trip in Moscow secretly, in a way that nobody would see this, neither the colleagues nor the inhabitants of the village where we worked, such a trick would be impossible.
-That is, you are suspecting that I perpetrated a murder, which was connected with the rape of an under-age girl it Moscow in the area of the highway Varshavsky, aren't you?
-Not at all. Just your behaviour is a strange one and we have to check up something. You have arrived to the girl who doesn't want to meet with you and you have a knife in your pocket.
-I walk everywhere with this knife, even in the bakery to buy some bread. This is a habit after I worked in the Caucasus. This knife is sold in all the sports shops so you even cannot charge me with bearing the cold steel. And the girl is turned against me by her parents, just I was going to settle up this, didn't you read my letters to them?
-One can jail you only for these letters.
-Then say me, what words in these letters do they break the law and are they connected with some article of the Criminal Code?
-But why did you learn the Criminal Code. Do you think that one can deceive the justice?
-Already your colleagues have deceived the justice today. I didn't talk smut, but they have arrested me for the ten days. Also there was the unlawful detention. Was I seemed a suspect person? Did her parents complain? But you are seeing clearly, there is nothing to incriminate me, so you had to let me go three hours after detention. But you personally are spending the time in vain with me. If I was an investigator, the first I would do, I would check up the alibi.
-However, stop teaching us to work.
-Well. Let it be as you want. I killed, dismembered the body, put out the eyes, buried and wrote on a stone. However I'm doubting they would pay you a premium only for your opinion.
-Ha, ha, ha how interesting it is, this story you've told... - As I understood, the investigator was not against to joke and to laugh. Was it possible he hoped I'll be carried away with jokes so much, that being in the cheerful state of mind I would begin to give up him a real discreditable information against me even if I had such things? Evidently, he had often to deal with idiots and this is once more an argument in favor the concept of stupidity of the people's mass.
But the car rode in the street Petrovka already. Both policemen sitting on each side of me were content: as I saw, the conversation amused them.
-As it seems, we have arrived in the Petrovka 38. (Address of the Moscow CID)
-Don't worry. They are going to do you an X-ray, after this they will let go you. (They became mad about this X-ray. Is it possible they could not dream more variously?)
-And what makes you think that I want to go back? All the same for the ten days I've to be jailed. I think, Petrovka is a more interesting place.
-Here you will have much of the free time to think, to remember, then to tell me where and when you broke the law. People pursued you, they saw you, we have many complaints about you, it would be better if you yourself confess everything honestly. Some cases took place and other cases too. So try to remember.
Yes there was such a foolish and a vulgar bluff in the such considerable, as it seemed, institution.
In the three-man room, where I was brought, there was a thief about forty years old as a cellmate but he was a harmless one, as I thought. During about twenty years he spent her life in jails and camps. It didn't seem that he became rich because of his "profession". In brief I had told him as was the case took place.
-Fool! Why are you smiling?! - he was shocked with compassion. - After all they pin accusation the murder upon you! Do you understand? A killing!
-A nonsense is all this. I have an alibi: I worked on the mission trip.
-Some people were here, they said about alibi, too. After this it was found there a whole collection of the articles of the Criminal Code were broken and they came off to fell a wood for about fifteen years. Are you thinking, you can swindle the Moscow CID? Well, try to do it if you are skilled so much.
Now, thirty nine years later, looking back, I become contented how I talked with the investigator. The only thing I didn't ask him, how would react the parents of that girl who was killed in winter 1970/71 in the south part of Moscow, if they heard what nonsenses he told me, if they saw this "knife", because of which the cops caviled so much, if they learn everything together what the investigator was engaged in, instead the searching the real criminal and if they aren't stupid people, then what an opinion would formed in their mind about the Moscow CID, about the Soviet Union and about the same Ekaterinichev? I would like, let them read this now. This information would damp down their nostalgic ardour for the Soviet Union in a case if they feel it.
At night through the sleeping I heard another man was brought, who mentioning all the motherfuckers was indignant that he was brought into the Moscow CID for the hooliganism (???). I don't know why he was here in the Moscow CID. Later on in a different time I asked different people who were some time in jail, is it possible that there is the eavesdrop equipment in the investigatory jails, especially in such a place as the Moscow CID? Everyone denied it, arguing by words: "In such a case they would talk in another way absolutely. But there is a lot of the supergrasses". In contrast to the thief this type was enough disagreeable and if we were in a real jail like the "Butyrka" or the "Matrosskaya Tishina", then sooner or later we would fight. But here in the Petrovka the fights were not a standard among the prisoners. I made an experience, telling frankly in the cell, as if once in the Kazansky railway station I tried to sell a few bottles of vodka at a high price and next day I heard from Ekaterinichev:
-You say you do everything according to the law, but you sold the vodka at the railway station.
From the cell to the investigator they led through a yard into another building, putting on the handcuff behind the back. In the investigator's room the handcuff was taken off.
-Put on a watch, please, - joked one of the cops.
At the first time I was called to the investigator tomorrow after arriving, in the morning
-Well. How have you slept? What is our food?
-It's not bad for a jail.
-Didn't you remember something?
-Just I said you yesterday, I have nothing to remember, to say more exactly, there are a lot of memories which are interesting for me, but not for you.
-Don't you remember as you engaged in hooliganism, people pursued you and shouted: "Stop! Stop!", but you into an electric train and rolled away so fast, only the wind whistled.
-You have a rich imagination.
-Well, come here. This is a map of Moscow. One can see the Varshavsky highway.
-Here is it and so what?
-Here you are caught, - he said, laughing and threatening with his forefinger. - After all you know, know this district!
-Is it really the Criminal Code forbid to know where one of the main Moscow streets is situated? Is this a crime? What article provides for this?
-Your article will not separate from you anywhere. You have better to return into your cell and to recollect, recollect.
I don't know who was more amused at that day by this investigator's conversation, me or himself. When I entered into the room, the cellmates behaved in other way already. They began to chuckle:
-Do you know, why you are led here? To discredit the Moscow CID. They cannot catch someone, so they grab everybody. And we thought: a killing, a rape, how to regard this? The people fall here for the serious crime, but you are here because of a problem with your Lena. In fact this is a funny story and nothing else!
The prisoners have the life experience, although it is a peculiar one. Also one may not say that they are without the intuition. As early as on the second day they understood that I'm not guilty. But the investigator, did not understand? Here I will never trust in this! Even an obtuse man, doing the same work during a few years, he acquires some experience. And how these types did they guess about my actual guiltlessness? It occurred at the moment of returning from my first interrogation. I was blissfully unaware, without seeing any danger in the occurred events. Where could I learn from, being twenty years old and in the same country where the nearest relatives told lies and played the hypocrite, that soon a few persons will be shot without guilt for the crimes of the maniac Chikatilo and after this someone will be shot without guilt for the crimes of maniac Mikhasevich? The stalinism is not dead. He continued and continue to walk on the planet to this day. Now it is not so noticeable, not expressed so brightly, much weaker and although in a much smaller quantity, but the priceless human souls continue to perish under police heel of the Soviet beasts.
I was blissfully unaware and thought, how this is a "cool" and a "funky" thing: I am in the same Petrovka 38 (address of Moscow CID), they lead me to the interrogation to the investigator, putting on the handcuffs. But this is the most interesting tour! And at the same time no serious danger. And the investigator at the interrogation have amused me. Then the cellmates, only glancing at me, realized all: a type who in fact had killed and raped an underage girl and jailed under inquest, he would never return from the investigator with a smile on his face.
Regarding the tortures, I don't know what now, but in the 1971 they didn't take place in the Moscow CID already long ago. They say, the tortures were in common practice there in the thirties-fortieth years. One ex-prisoner in the town Istra about 50 miles from Moscow who spent for more than twenty years in the camps, he was at the moonlighting temporarily as a worker land-surveyor in our organization, he told in the beginning of the fifties he was brought into the Moscow CID and seeing as they tortured there, he was fainted because of the horror. The cellmates told as if there is a basement in the Moscow CID with a terrible unhygienic condition and they can lead into it and they do it if they need to break a person psychologically. But themselves weren't sure in this, this is only a supposition. Personally, I think, if the authority's plan wasn't included to sully the Moscow CID with such actions, likely there was no similar basement, but if they were in need to torture someone really, hardly it was a problem to find an appropriate place.
On the next interrogations Ekaterinichev suddenly began to pester me with the above-mentioned profiteering of vodka, so my suspicion, that the second cellmate is a supergrass (the same who then at night was led into), became stronger. Finally I said to the investigator:
-Let's suppose somewhen I sold illegally a few bottles of the vodka in fact. Here think what is more easy: to detect ten murders or to prove the fact of a small deal with vodka? But if you think I did it on a large scale, then why the sum on my bankbook is so little? (The bankbook I had with me while the detention and I still hadn't time to deposit even the money which I accumulated to rest in the summer and I kept them at home).
-Yes, the sum is a small really.
After this dialogue Ekaterinichev didn't start anymore the talking about the profiteering of vodka. It looked as if he tried to grab any opportunity to get a lawful cause to prolong my detention. Still this investigator was not a fool. If you believe his purpose was to get to the truth, to detect the crime honestly, then he would behave as a fool really. However it was a sly method. If you never dealt with the police, this doesn't mean at all that such method was used never against you. This method the office workers use, coming to your home to repair your broken sanitary engineering; the repairmen you appeal to in order to repair any broken thing; the officials, when you demand from them some benefit, which is allotted for you according the law, but they don't want very much to give them for you - all they (and the police in the first place) try to IMPRESS UPON YOU THE GUILT COMPLEX. To impress on you as if you yourself behave either strangely, or ignoble, or not normally. If it is the police, they impress on you as if you aren't an innocent, as if you are detained not in vain. If you are incompetent in the jurisprudence, they would tell you a lot of nonsense about non-existent articles of the Criminal Code and if you start to give in, to agree, it would be not enough for them. Their purpose still is not achieved. It will be achieved when you yourself will believe sincerely that you are guilty of something. As to Ekaterinichev, the first main step was not to ascertain some concrete fact of this or of that small breaking of the law (certainly, this thing also was included), but in order to I myself would recollect: either maybe somewhere I sold something, or scolded someone, or maybe I punched up someone or waved with knife and ran away after this, but the main thing not necessarily I would tell him about this, but let I myself would recollect about this and let I myself would feel a criminal. In this regard he acted just quite intelligently.
But here it was like a scythe had run against a stone. He shot arrows not at all into my weak spot. Let me explain to compare: a bear is able to scare me, to make me run away, to cripple me, even to kill, but I would never feel at a lower level than a bear. Regarding me, whatever it does, it will be kept a bear all the same and all the same I will feel a human being. If someone insults me in the street, I wouldn't feel at all that my dignity has suffered damage. Regarding me, they are a crowd of beasts and one must be able to conduct war against them, so that in the end let it be bad for them, not for me. Even if my wife is unfaithful to me, I'll not feel as if I became worse because of this, but it would mean something is wrong with her, not with me. Apparently therefore I have not practically the feeling of jealousy. This is one of my individual characters and as it turned out, it is a very favorable one, so naturally, to create the guilt complex in my mind, especially if any guilt doesn't exist, hardly any investigator would succeed to do this. To me, he is no better than an enemy in the war, like a Hitlerite invader. I cared, how to insinuate to him, without injuring to myself at the same time, even if I become a murderer one day, then my first victim would be no girl and no boy but only he himself. And such things like the influence, the authority, physical strength, the officer rank - all of them don't help to raise from the dead.
-Unfortunately, the world is so arranged, the strong ones beat the weak ones. You are an investigator, you are vested with a lot of power and here is your strength. Into your field of vision a young man gets into who is, according your own world view, either a sloven, or a hippy, or you cannot understand who is he, in the person of myself. He has neither influence, nor authority, in addition he has private problems: he tries to save a loved girl from a bad influence of her parents. The parents want to get rid of him, so they call the police. In the district Kuntsevo the police officers turn the same scoundrels like her parents, they are corrupted by the survivals of the past, that is by the medieval prejudices. My angry but true letters to these parents provoke their hatred and anger. They want me to destroy. Then they call you in the Petrovka 38 and report you there is an appropriate client and there are chances to pin accusations upon him in a crime which it is difficult to detect. The present epoch is not appropriate for this, and hardly you would succeed in it, however you haven't taken into account yet one detail: these strong ones can beat the weak ones only till a certain turning-moment. If from these weak ones take away all, they become stronger than those strong ones, because THE STRONGEST ONE IS WHO HAS NOTHING TO LOSE.
-Hmm, the theory that you are keeping is interesting.
-Yes, yes. The strongest one is who has nothing to lose. He can all.
-What is it exactly?
-All what is possible according the physical laws.
A pause reigned, while which sometimes he narrowed his eyes, sometimes reopened them, sometimes nodded his head. It is quite possible, he had guessed, if to criminate me for a crime I didn't perpetrate, I intend to revenge, that is to revenge terribly. Of course, the people of his profession got used to the menaces, even if these menaces are literal and frank, but likely this smooth and elaborate form, which I had presented this menace in, had puzzled him: like there is nothing to cavil but at the same time it is clear for a sensible one. Ever since, while every meeting after the traditional words "hello-hello" he added with a smile:
-So what, Bob, do the strong ones beat the weak ones?
-Right. And the strongest is the one who has nothing to lose.
This dialogue continuing every day, he became jokingly to look like a password and a reply. At the next interrogations he demanded me to write in detail on a leaf of paper, what days I was on the mission, when I arrived at home, what train I left and returned by, who worked with me and can confirm that I wasn't absent for a long time. Once, a policeman who accompanied me to the investigator, he urged me to put on my cap, because as if it began to be very cold outside. I came out with him in the yard - no cold snap, but it was warm and sunny.
-Stand here.
And a command was given from a distance:
-All of you, come to this place.
Far off a group of people appeared who looked at me somehow unpleasantly. The distance from them to me was about thirty metres.
-Has this been a lineup?
Ekaterinichev didn't deny it. This time his look was a kind of a dissatisfied one. The most probably these people didn't identify me with the person he searched for, although the identification was executed without following all the rules: from a long distance and I stood alone, but in such cases there is a rule to put near the suspect at least two persons from outside, to diminish the probability of a mistake.
The time for ten days of the administrative discipline was coming to the end.
-Soon Fantomas will be eating the white bread, - joked one of the cellmates. He was not wrong.
Only a lot of years later I understood, what a great danger I underwent during those days. Thank God that everything turned out so. Even one cannot say that I got out of a spot only with a light fright, because there was no fright at all. Childly and fondly the occurred thing was considered as a "cool" and a "funky" one. Only once I saw a dream in the cell: as if there was a stage, on the stage a pioneer stood, wearing the red tie, and he sang a popular jail song with the child's voice:
"Along the Siberian Railway line,
Oh, mum, they are sending us very far away..."
Awaking, then I thought :"Damn! That would be the last straw!" And that's all. No trouble anymore, excepting the spiteful vexation because of the lifter woman's calumny and the baseness of the cops in the district Kuntsevo, but the harm of them, as it seemed then, was compensated already by this interesting and fascinating trip to see the Moscow CID from within.
How great was a lot of them, of these naive dreamers who in the same manner as myself believed the mistake is going to be detected now and they will be let go, but they were predestined not to return alive. How great was a lot of those who returned many years later so that their health is undermined, the mind is crippled, the soul is turned black, shedding a powerless anger after suffering from insults on a fantastic scale. What would be my destiny if I wasn't all the winter on the work trips? Are there souls ruined without guilt because of the investigator Ekaterinichev and how many of them are there? That time in the spring of the 1971 I was twenty years old, yet I wasn't reaching twenty one. He was outwardly about thirty five. So he is about seventy five now. It would be interesting to know either sometimes he drinks slowly a cognac with a lemon or, as they say, had kicked the bucket? If he still is alive, he has the only way out: to go to a church, no matter what denomination it belongs, certainly, it would be better if it is any of a Protestant ones, and to confess sincerely. Then God will excuse him. And if he still is able to act, then describe all the cases of the notorious conviction of crime without guilt, which were contrived by him personally and by his office, and do this information the common property of all the world, posting it on the Internet. That would be the Christian feat, but, unfortunately, such an alignment of events is unlikely.
The world must know the truth and it is time to cease to believe in the naive tales about Zheglov and Sharapov (it is about a Soviet movie "Meeting place cannot be changed". It is about honest officers from the Moscow CID - author's note) This is an evil, barbarian and a satanic state, which was formed instead Russia, which perished under the heel of the Soviet beast in the 1917. It would be well more frequent to remind to governments of all the civilized states that any deal with Satan and Antichrist cannot be a profitable one, but sooner or later will turn against without fail. "You will know them by their fruit" - is written in the Gospel. Regarding the evil fruits, which are accumulated in the Chechen war, there are more than enough of them already to understand, who we have to deal with, to understand, this country hasn't turned over a new leaf, but it is dangerous to all the world as before.
After my discharging from the administrative arrest there took place one disgraceful event else, on the same matters. While I wasn't at home, in the middle of May of the 1971 they appeared unexpectedly to search into our flat, scaring my mother and grandmother and demanded them in a tone that brooked no argument to give them some big knife. My grandmother took out all the knives were in our home and laid out them before the uninvited visitors.
-Not these. We need a big knife.
However, seeing the people of the soviet stuff are scared, so, hardly they hide from them something, they went away. Why they wanted a knife if the alibi is determined already and the identification gave a negative effect? I don't doubt it would be for the falsification of the proofs. There was not the same Ekaterinichev, the "handwriting" of the talking was not of his nature, but it was his people and if they weren't his people, then whose they were in the such case? Let the judicial mistakes are present in all the world, but in this country (USSR) they reveal a malicious and premeditated temper, that is, there is direct evidence of the evil will is, so their quantity is higher by several orders of magnitude in the states which are infected with some "soviet virus".
After this "trip" to the Petrovka 38 I decided to "lay low" for a while, regarding Lena and her parents. It would be an unreasonable thing to do something action again in the area of the same local police station. I was not going at all to leave them alone and I continued to prepare the next actions. One year later I had carried out two experiments on my abilities that I named in my diary "Hippy-1" and "Hippy-2". These were trainings for a case if I'll have to go into hiding. During the process of these experiments I acquired useful skills, I had learnt to travel without money for great distances, right up to Krasnoyarsk and Tayshet. One day I'll write about this. It was ones of the happiest days in my life. And the largest holiday in my life was in the 1991, when this totalitarian monster USSR finally was ruined. And although the communism and fascism are not dead, but continue to do their black deal, it became clear that they haven't the future. The future is for the European civilization, which recognizes the Declaration of Human Rights and the Bill of Rights personality. This civilization consists of not only of the USA, Canada and West Europe, but Japan too. The world gets free of the bondage of the medieval obscurantism and this will lead gradually to the unification of the Islam, the Christianism and other world religions what was predicted yet by Daniil Andreev.
However, let's revert to one of the main problems of this essay, to the problem of the unrequited love, which essentially isn't a love. This is a delusion, which it is very easy get rid of if you come to the conclusion that the object of your sighing doesn't possess these qualities at all, which you yourself made up about him. Those, whom you love, exist, even in great numbers, because if your significant other is a unique one from the running into seven milliards population of the planet, then such a meeting would be practically improbable. However nevertheless you have to be so kind as to look for, but don't rush for the first comer, arrogating to him or to her qualities, which don't exist and will not exist. In network marketing they teach, there are only six percent of the people, which deserve to do business together. Regarding the others, either they aren't capable of anything, or you just aren't compatible with them. And this is not in the Soviet world, but in the states where nobody saw the Soviet tanks, nobody has the experience to stand in line to buy sausage and there is not the prison morality and don't exist verification of documents without any cause and without any reason. Here one has to hear often an opinion: "All the guys are he-goats" or "All the women are whores". Who is right of them? The both sides are right, because the peoples, which were touched by the swinish clutches of the communists, all of them are corrupted very much, both men and women, and to look for a girlfriend or a boyfriend for the life in Russia, it would be the same thing as to look for a husband in jails or look for a wife in brothels: one can find, but much more difficult.
However, let us suppose you tried, sought and finally these words of the Gospel came true: "the one who seeks finds..." (Matthew 7:8) That is you have done a right choice, without making mistake, you have found the same whom you needed. And what's next? Do you think really, here, after the Soviet power here some normal life, is it possible? Do you think that these Soviet scoundrels and jealous people, those who got used to frustrate what belongs to others instead to build something own one, will they let you live peacefully? Also one can add to this their collectivist morality is enough far from the western individualism and their sociability is intrusive, right up to a forced one if you aren't ready to meet a conflict to get rid of the harmful contact. Or into your family such people will invade, with which the western individualists even would not wish to stand close. You think, one can learn to be on good terms with these people, fitting some "key" to them, don't you? After all they taught you since childhood, that such a thing is not only possible, but also it is necessary. I agree, it is possible to be on good terms with these people and to fit some "key" to them, but at the very expensive cost, at the cost of the own degeneration. There is police not to defend you, but to prosecute you if you dare to defend your family and yourself. If in the USA someone attempts to beat in face an old woman to take away the money of her pension, in answer she would fire point-blank and it will happen nothing with her for this, but here she would be jailed even for the possession of weapons at home. I haven't digressed from the topic at all. Just a lot of you are taking hard because your girlfriend (or boyfriend) has rejected you, however at the same time she (he) is not of you, but in fact she (he) is alien to you absolutely, and you will want to part with her if you get married. Just you see a problem, which doesn't exists. But when you will find your friend really, if you still prefer to live in this country, then here a problem will be appeared and now yet not imaginary, but quite real one, and this problem will not issue from your love, but from this government.
Of course, you are dying to know, how my destiny turned out later on. How this girl's destiny turned out, whom I chased after so much, I have written already: she stayed alone and has a daughter, which was born in the 1984 roughly. And I created what I wanted, that is a large amicable family, almost as in the Caucasus, but I had created this family with another woman. That's my wife, I'm living 38 years together and we have four grown-up children from 20 to 36 years old. There is a Russian proverb: "Life is to live - not to cross a field", however it is not a field I crossed, but a dangerous marsh where one can drown at every step, however I didn't drown, even I didn't get dirty especially, thanks to my own erudition and to the God Who helps me always. However this is not a country where one could live normally, raise the children, create something useful, perfect himself and rejoice over the life. I had succeeded to survive, even enough well. However in all sincerity, I cannot give you any guarantee, that passing this marsh to the end, you wouldn't drown, that you will be lucky as well as me. It is a damned world is perishing. It has a terrible Karma. The Antichrist is governing here and John the Revelator's prophecies are showing everyday in increasing clearness. A thing is striking the most, it is the disrespect for a person at every step. This country is a prison and her citizens are prisoners. The social problems aren't solved, but they become stagnant for centuries. And never nobody succeeded to change anything here. The Gorbachev's rebuilding (the perestroika) was provoked by the collapse of the weak and ineffective economics because of the arms race beyond the strength, because if a mode of life of the state is not right and unjust one, then inevitable sooner or later it will adversely affect the economics, and this regularity is a weak spot of the evil forces. If you leave for the West, you have better to keep out of any diaspora which have gone out of ex-USSR, otherwise you may be indrawn into any evil what you want, and the worst is to become a dependent on a gathering of scoundrels. Even I would distrust the foreigners who arrives here to make business. What a good have they found here? I could understand romantics, some lovers of the risk and adventures. However regarding the noble romantics of adventures, they would disdain to deal with such an abomination as the Soviet world is. No, it would be better to join, to merge with the progressive European civilization and to burn all the bridges which are leading to this perishing world, (to escape returning). And the assiduous learning the foreign languages would turn to your own advantage, for your own development. After all it is said in the Bible: "Come out of her, my people, so that you will not participate in her sins and receive of her plagues..." (Rev 18:4)
Yes, really, disposing the store of information, which had accumulated to the time of my 60th anniversary, I wouldn't do now what I was doing, being twenty years old. Also it follows to distinguish miracles from tales. The tales are things which don't exist and cannot be. The miracles are things that can take place, but extremely rarely. An attempt to influence on a human being, expecting he will be changed - this is a stake on a miracle. Such a case as, for example, Apostle Paul's changing of thinking, when from a persecutor of the Christianism he became the most faithful adept, takes place extremely rarely. That is why the great Teacher and Prophet Mohammed said: "Your duty is only the transmission", he meant the transmission of information and after this one may don't care, how a person, who has got this information, will react to it. Persuading him for a long time, especially to follow him for years, being distressed that he doesn't assimilate the truth and spoils his own life and harms because of this - this is a mistake. However I don't think that all took place and as if all took place in vain. As a great poet said (Pushkin): "We aren't vested to guess, how our term will resound". («Нам не дано предугадать, как наше слово отзовется») Tens of people were eyewitnesses of this story: the same elevator woman, the same policemen, the same investigator, their relatives whom they told this story, coming home from work. The influence over all of them with my statements, by my personal example could not be equal zero. And if at least the only person from this long number, let not at once, let twenty years later, let even forty years later, if once he reflected on this, then the benefit of all this what occurred it would be difficult to overstate.
I am one of the few these who saw the Moscow CID from inside and it would be a sin to keep silent about this. "Everything is good if its end is well" -says the well known proverb and in the end the attempt of the evil forces to destroy me has turned into an interesting excursion in fact.
31 of October 2010.
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